Where is the hickey?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
