Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
