My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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