Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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