Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
