I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
