Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
