You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
