Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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