guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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