Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
