I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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