I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
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There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
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She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.