I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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