Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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