Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
