I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
