Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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