You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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