life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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