I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
