I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
