dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
