i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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