If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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