I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
