Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
