Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
mondays should just be called national damage control day
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
