We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
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After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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