I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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