Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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