as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
