I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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