I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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