I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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