I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
