made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
