Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
