Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize