I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
