It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
my poor anus
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
