im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
