The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
