gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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