I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
