and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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