is your mom at the bar?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
