I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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