I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
