Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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