When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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