I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
sarcasm needs its own font
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
