Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
