I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
