His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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