please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
