I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
