well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
