Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
