so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
