Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
